


Weight of the World

by Inspired_looney



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-01
Updated: 2012-08-01
Packaged: 2017-11-11 05:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspired_looney/pseuds/Inspired_looney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events of the movie took their toll on Clint. How does he deal with everything that happens and what happens when and old friend is in trouble. Can he overcome his issues to help her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weight of the World

**Author's Note:**

> Characters/Pairing: Clint Barton/OFC, Minor hints of Clint/Natasha  
> Disclaimer: I only own Lexie, my OFC, everything else owned by Stan Lee and Joss Whedon, I just borrowed them to play.  
> Warnings: Detailed spoilers for Clint's storyline in the movie and the entire ending scenes.
> 
> Massive thanks to my betas and cheerleading team throughout this project, Megan and Sho, couldn't have done it without you guys :-D

It was over! Clint couldn't quite believe his eyes, although he was smart enough not to lose his focus, to stay sharp and ready for the next attack, even though he was watching the hordes of aliens collapse and die around him. He had been so sure this was one battle he wasn't going to make it out of and, considering everything that had happened in the last few days, he had been shocked to discover that was something he was okay with. The idea of dealing with the aftermath of essentially being possessed was not something he was looking forward to. 

He didn't wait to see if Tony made it back through the portal, he knew Stark pretty well, the guy always survived. It wasn't Stark he was worried about but his colleague and friend who was the only one of them anywhere near Loki, whom he knew would not take this defeat lying down. He mustered his last bit of strength, gathered up some arrows from the now motionless aliens and headed to Stark tower, ready to put one of them through Loki's eyes and hope that would help keep the nightmares, which he knew would come, at bay. 

Turns out he needn't have worried so much; the hulk did quite a job on Loki who was, as it happened, lying down in defeat. He was still sprawled and moaning on the floor of what, at one point in time, was probably Tony's very plush and swanky sitting room.

Instinct took over as he drew an arrow and aimed it directly at Loki's head. He heard the others arrive behind him but his focus was on the man, or alien in front of him, as he started to move, crawling towards the steps. It made him smirk to see Loki in such obvious pain, but pain wasn't enough to wipe out the nightmare he'd been forced to live through.

Rationally, he knew that he shouldn't kill him; the fight was over and Loki had well and truly lost, there was nowhere for him to run to. Thor was going to take him home and he'd be punished, the tesseract would go with them and be safe in their world; at least safer than it was on earth, but still he could not put down the arrow.

He was an assassin. He'd killed hundreds of people, some who'd deserved it, some, maybe not so much, but still he would not consider himself a murderer. He killed on orders, he killed in self-defence or for the defence of those around him, he didn't kill just because he could and he knew if he let that arrow go, that is exactly what he would be doing, killing Loki just to satisfy his own need for vengeance to the man who took over his mind and made him kill his own men. There were plenty of times in his past where he could have become a senseless killer, using his skills for his own gain, somehow he’d always managed to maintain his integrity and a sense of morality, but that was something else Loki had taken from him, he had killed for no reason and he would always hate himself for it.

"If it's all the same to you," Loki started, finally sitting on the step and turning to face them, "I'll have that drink now."

They stared at him for a second, not moving, not even breathing, the arrow still pointed right at his head and he knew the others were waiting to see what he would do, but he just couldn't decide. Each second seemed to last for an hour and he wanted to scream at the tension running through his body, why was the decision his?

"It's alright, Clint," Cap said as he placed a strong, sure hand on Clint’s shoulder. He said nothing more, nothing less, but it was enough to make him put down the arrow and hand Loki over to his brother.

Clint's hands never shook when he was fighting, he was always sure and strong and knew exactly what he was doing, but as he loosened his grip on the arrow he couldn't help but notice the tremor that went through him, a physical sign of the turmoil in his brain and he just hoped to god no-one else noticed.

Thor cuffed his brother using some weird, magical type of handcuffs he'd brought with him, inescapable apparently, and then gagged him as the team headed out, at Tony's insistence, for some food before seeing their visitors off.

The team went their separate ways. Bruce back to the middle of nowhere, somewhere he could help people and hopefully keep the 'other guy' in check. Steve got on a bike and rode off; heading to discover how the world had changed in the seventy years he’d spent sleeping. Tony was going back to his now wrecked tower, already planning on a redesign and seriously thinking about changing its name. With Thor and Loki leaving to go home to Asgard that just left Natasha and Clint, with decisions to be made about their future.

"Hey, Clint," Natasha interrupted his thoughts, "we're wanted back at base," she finished as she came up beside him, leaning against the car.

"Yeah," he started, "I think I might need a little vacation," he said staring off into the distance, hiding behind his sunglasses rather than having to look at her.

"Seriously?" She asked, "I've known you a very long time and I don't think I've ever once seen you willingly take a day off!"

"Well, you know," he replied, finally turning to smile at her, hoping to convince her, if not himself that this was no big deal, just a break, a little well deserved R&R, "dealing with monsters and magic can make a guy reassess a few things," the smile faded a little, "like taking a vacation while I can."

"You’re not coming in for a debrief?"

"Nah, I’m sure you can handle that," he finished, bumping his arm into hers, giving her one last smile and turning to walk away; to what he wasn't quite sure, but he knew he couldn't go back, at least not yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lexie sighed as she dumped the last crate onto the truck. All she wanted to do was crumple into a heap on the floor, exhausted from the hard labour of packing up the carnival, but she knew better. Stopping now would just lead to stiff muscles and more pain later on, not to mention having to drive all night to get to the next location. However, if she left now, she’d get there early and be able to grab a few hours’ sleep before setup began. So instead she stretched her arms up and over the mop of sweat dampened chocolate brown hair, cracking the muscles and vertebrae in her back as she did so, preparing her body for the drive and dreaming about the nice warm bed that would await her when she arrived.

At 34 years old the carnival was all she had ever known. It was her life; her family; it was in her blood, but lately she was tired. She watched her comrades getting married, settling down and having kids, but in their world that meant pulling the kids around from town to town, home schooling them although not in the traditional sense, more about teaching them the cons that went with their lives rather than math and science like ‘normal’ kids. They would never really know a home and even though that was the only life she had ever known, it wasn’t a life she wanted for her kids. She had a decision to make and she’d been thinking about it for a while, stay with the only life she knew, or try and start a new one on her own, with no family, no friends, no career but with the possibility of more.

She settled into the cab of the truck and forced her bright green eyes to stay open, with a flask of coffee by her side to help as she set off. Her brain was locked in battle, a struggle as old as time itself as she tried to figure out which life was the one she really wanted, stay with what she knew or break out into the unknown.

‘What do you know about being normal?’ The devil in her brain asked, ‘you couldn’t keep a house or a 9-5 job; you’d be bored and alone.’

‘You’d make friends’ the angel chimed in, ‘you know how to talk to people, you’ve done it all your life, you can talk to anyone and if you can keep your carnival plot and truck tidy and organised then you can keep a house.’

‘A tiny little truck is much different to a house’ the devil interrupted, ‘besides how are you going to pay for it?’

‘You have savings,’ the angel argued back, ‘you’ve been smart over the years.’

‘Not enough to buy a house and without a job you won’t get a mortgage!’

‘You can rent until you can get a mortgage, getting a job will be easy with your skills and people experience and you could always still live in the truck until you get a house.

Lexie shook her head as if to clear it, to get rid of the little imps voicing her doubts and dreams; and focus on the only fact that really mattered, but was she brave enough to actually do it? She took a deep breath and wondered if the probable heartbreak she would suffer was worth the dream of a better life. She’d had her heart broken before and she hadn’t thought she would ever recover, when she did, she’d sworn she’d never willingly put herself in that position again. 

“You won’t know if you don’t try,” she said aloud to the empty truck. 

With the decision seemingly made, she focused on the road once more, looking up at the road sign in front of her, her heart jumped in her chest. She wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad sign, but she’d just crossed the border from Wisconsin to Iowa, next stop was a little town called Waverly, the place she’d met the only boy she’d ever loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clint jumped as his new cellphone began to ring. He cursed out loud as he looked at the phone, knowing who was calling but wondering how the hell they got the number so quickly! 

He’d left his S.H.I.E.L.D. phone behind when he walked away and for two months he’d been completely off the radar. He’d enjoyed getting back to nature, driving from city to city, camping in the woods, hunting for dinner and living off the land. He’d forgotten just why he’d fallen in love with archery in the first place, using his skills just to live, for his own needs, not for anyone else, not to kill anything more than dinner. He’d known she’d be worried about him, but he hadn’t been ready to see her or anything connected to that life. However, after two months he figured he’d sulked enough and decided to head back. He got in the car and pointed it in the direction of New York, in the direction of home. He stopped to buy a burner cell when he was half way there and he’d just gotten back on the road when its shrill ring filled the car, causing him to jump out of his skin. He knew then that he wasn’t ready yet.

He picked up the phone, rolled down the window of his black ’69 Chevy and watched in the rear-view mirror as it hit the ground and shattered. He focused on the road to stop his brain from exploding, but he couldn’t help wonder what the hell his next move was going to be. That was until he caught sight of the next road sign and shuddered involuntarily; it read Waverly, Iowa, 30miles.

“Guess I really am going home,” he said to the empty car.

A torrent of images flashed into his mind as he slowly drove through the small city. He passed a park he remembered playing in, back when life was normal and he was just an ordinary kid. He drove past his elementary school, and the middle school he was technically a student at, but he could barely remember going to a single class. It didn’t take long to get to the home, the orphanage he’d lived in after his parents were killed and the foster home he’d ran away from. It felt like he was touring the best and worst his childhood had to offer before finally he arrived at the worst; home. 

He pulled the car up two houses down from the home where he’d spent the first eight years of his life, before everything changed. The accident happened right outside the house he’d grown up in with his parents and his older brother. They’d been coming home from a baseball game during which he’d gotten a black eye and his brother got a broken nose. Their mom was busy yelling at them for fighting while their dad was busy yelling at her that it was a tough sport and neither of them saw the delivery truck until it was too late. He sat and watched the cars come and go and relived that moment over and over again.

He watched as two young boys started tossing around a ball in the front yard and he couldn’t help but wonder what his life would have been like if only he’d not gotten into a fight that day.

As the neighbours started noticing him he decided it was time to move on.

No more than a mile from his old home he heard the music, shook his head with a sigh and wondered if someone was punishing him for all the bad things he’d done. He could hear the carnival close by and knew his second home was here.

 

“Want to try your luck, Sir?” Lexie smiled sweetly at the young couple passing her booth, “Only one ticket and you could win something pretty for the young lady?” 

“No thanks,” he answered without even slowing down as they passed by. 

She watched them enviously, so young and in love, totally wrapped up in each other and wandering around like they were the last two people on earth. She remembered that feeling; she had had that once, a long time ago. She shook her head, trying to shake away the thoughts of him that this place was bringing up and focus on her job. It had been slow all night and if she wanted to ever get out of this life she needed money, which meant customers.

“Hey there young lady,” she targeted a young girl with her parents, always the easiest to reel in, “want to try and win a new toy?” She smiled at the young girl, focusing her attention wholly on her knowing that was the best way to make her feel important and want to play.

“Oh yeah,” she squealed, “daddy look at the panda, can I win a panda?”

“Oh I don’t know, sweetie,” her dad answered cautiously, “these games are really hard.”

“It’s not that hard, see,” Lexie interrupted, stepping out from behind the booth with a dart in hand, “you just aim right for the balloon and …” she let the dart fly, “voila,” she announced as the dart burst the balloon and confetti flittered down to the ground.

“Daddy,” the little girl pleaded, “please, I really want the panda.”

“Alright alright,” he acquiesced, “how much?” He grimaced at Lexie, hoping he wouldn’t make an idiot of himself.

“For the panda, it would be five tickets,” she answered with a smile, “but the smaller animals at the front here start from two tickets.”

“Let’s try for the Panda,” he answered, handing over five tickets.

Lexie handed over three darts and watched as the father missed, once, twice and again.

“Oh daddy,” the little girl moaned, “I really want the panda.”

“Sweetie, I dunno,” he answered, “these things are set up so ordinary people lose,” he finished with venom in his voice and a scathing look at Lexie. She took a step back as the father looked her straight in the eye and she knew that if looks could kill she’d be dead on the floor right then. 

Lexie knew that a kid’s smile when they walked away with a prize was why she loved her job, but on the flipside, the looks she got from parents, specifically fathers who couldn’t figure out how to play the game, and therefore ended up looking like idiots in front of their adoring kids, were the reason why she hated her job.

“I’ll play,” a voice interrupted her maudlin thoughts and her heart skipped a beat as she turned to see the man it came from.

“Five tickets,” she said to him, desperate to grin like an idiot but he looked so serious, not even a little twinkle in his eye. She wasn’t sure he recognised her, but she’d know him anywhere.

“Here you go,” he answered, handing over the tickets and taking the darts she offered.

She watched as he took aim and knew before he even let one go that without a shadow of a doubt all three darts would hit their mark.

“One, two and three,” she said as she watched the balloons burst. The grin she’d been supressing since he arrived at her booth finally shining through as she watched a sly smile spread briefly across his features. But it was gone almost as quickly as it appeared. “And we have a winner, what can I get for you?”

“Whatever the young lady wants,” he gestured to the little girl still standing with her parents, the father looking decidedly irritated by this stranger winning so easily when he’d failed so miserably. “Don’t worry about it man,” he said to the dad, “I grew up around carnivals, I know all the tricks of the trade.”

“Ha,” the dad countered, “so it is a trick? I knew it; I knew the ordinary man couldn’t win!”

“Anyone can win,” he answered, “you just need to figure out how to play. See, the darts are a little lighter than normal so you just have to throw it in a slight curve and then gravity will pull it down onto the balloon.”

“C’mon, Clint,” Lexie interrupted as he reached for the darts to demonstrate the art of the throw, “don’t give away all my secrets!” she finished as she lifted a giant panda off the shelf, “here you go, sweetie.”

The little girl’s smile could light up a room and she remembered what she would miss if she gave this us.

“So you remember me then,” she heard Clint ask as the family walked away.

“Of course I do,” she smiled at him, “I wasn’t sure you’d remember me to be honest. There’s been a lot of water under the bridge.”

“Seriously, Lexie,” he grinned, “I could never forget you.”

He reached over the counter and pulled her into a hug. She knew she’d missed him, no matter how much she pretended otherwise. But hugging him again, felt right, it was comfortable. It felt like home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he’d first entered the carnival he’d felt apprehensive. His experience at the carnival may have taught him the skills he now lived by, but it hadn’t ended in the best of circumstances. Yet the more he wandered around, the more the familiar sounds and smells just made him almost feel safe, like he really was home, and more at ease than he had done in a long time.

It wasn’t just what had happened with Loki, it went deeper than that, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. He was one of a handful of people who had known, before what happened in New York, that they weren’t alone in the universe. He’d seen the destruction caused by that monster Loki had sent after Thor. He’d helped clean up the aftermath and was only sorry he hadn’t been there to help stop it. He’d seen and done a lot of things in his life, most of the craziest moments came in one of two places; one of two homes; the carnival and S.H.I.E.L.D.. Now he wasn’t sure where he belonged. S.H.I.E.L.D. was his life and had been for so long, he’d never seriously thought about leaving before. But as he wandered around and listened to the traders hocking their wares, he wondered if he could be happy with a simpler life once more.

He watched the game owners try to entice people in, and wondered why the players were so stupid as to fall for the idea that they can actually beat the system. The house doesn’t always win, but in this case the games are definitely weighted against the players. He couldn’t understand why the players laughed and joked as they were being ripped off.

He bought a book of tickets and continued to wander, wondering which game he should play first and just how many times the ‘security’ would let him win before kicking him out. He was about to head to the ring toss booth when he heard a familiar voice. At first he’d thought his mind was playing tricks on him, god knows it had done it enough in the last few months but he would recognise that smile and the ‘patter’ anywhere.

“Lexie,” he whispered to himself and smiled as he watched her chatting to the little girl at her booth. 

He couldn’t believe she was here, it was like serendipity; everything just fell into place way too perfectly. She looked just as good as he remembered and standing there watching her he felt at peace for the first time in too long.

He watched with amusement as she talked the little girl’s dad into trying out the game and as expected, he sucked! He laughed to himself; he knew these games were easy if only you knew the trick. He watched as the dad started to have a go at Lexie then decided to show him how it was done.

After winning the prized panda the little girl seemed desperate for, he smiled at Lexie, exchanged some pleasantries and pulled her into a hug. It was amazing how natural it all felt, even after so long.

“So,” he smiled at her, “can I buy a hard worker a cup of coffee?”

“Sure,” she grinned as she replied. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clint’s stomach was doing backflips as he tried and failed for the third time to tie his damn tie. With each passing attempt he wondered again why he’d picked such a fancy restaurant and he could almost hear Coulson’s voice in his head, mocking him. He would be telling him that he liked this girl and was trying to impress her. He knew it was true, he’d always loved Lexie - she was his first love. But after everything he’d been through, everything he’d done, including fighting aliens and jumping off forty story buildings without a parachute, somehow he was more nervous about a casual meal with an old friend. He’d booked a table at a French restaurant, a place that had been around forever; he remembered his parents going there for their monthly ‘date night.’

After a seventh failed attempt with the tie he gave up and decided to go with an open collar. He put on a suit jacket, took a deep breath and got into his car.

He rubbed his hands against the sides of his legs as he walked towards Lexie’s trailer. The carnival was quiet, closed for the night and the peace and quiet made him nervous. He tried not to let his better instincts take over, but he couldn’t help but assess the area, check his exits, spot potential hiding places, know exactly where an adversary could hide if there was anyone out to get him. But he knew there was no-one there; no-one lying in wait to pounce on him, no-one planning to kill him; just a woman and friend who was hopefully looking as forward to dinner as he was.

A quiet knock and he felt almost breathless as she opened the door. Her hair was tied back loosely, curls falling easily onto her bare neck. Her eyes seemed to sparkle as she watched him watching her. She had on a purple dress that was fitted enough to show off her amazing curves but not so much it didn’t leave something to the imagination. It was simple and elegant and as he looked at her he suddenly wished he’d given that tie just one more try, or at the very least bought a clip on!

“Wow,” was about all he could get out of his mouth as she stepped down from the trailer.

“Really, Clint?” She asked, eyes still sparkling, obviously amused at his reaction, “I don’t remember you being someone who was ever lost for words.”

“Well what can I say,” he replied, “you look stunning!”

He took her hand to help her down the small steps and helped her wrap the hand-knitted shawl around her shoulders.

“Shall we?” He asked.

“We shall,” was the simple reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride to the restaurant was tense. For Clint, it no longer felt like two friends heading out for dinner. Even though he’d been aware that he still had feelings for her, seeing her in that dress had made it crystal clear to him - like someone had shot one of his arrows right through his heart. This wasn’t two old friends catching up, this was a date. 

But, at the same time, he didn’t know if he could really trust his feelings. It was a little over two months ago, as he’d awoken from the nightmare that was Loki’s possession that he’d wanted to cling to Natasha and never let go. Since he’d recruited her to S.H.I.E.L.D. rather than killing her as he’d been tasked to do, the two of them had had a special bond. They got the job done and feelings never got in the way, but once everyone was home safe the pair had no problem relaxing together, letting down the barriers they’d erected to keep everyone else out; to keep themselves safe; and just letting each other in. But there were still things Natasha didn’t know about him, just as he was sure there were things she’d held back from him. This world, the carnival, it was just as much a part of making him the man he’d become as S.H.I.E.L.D. was. But the longer he drove in silence, the more he couldn’t decide what to do for the best, stay with Lexie and the carnival or go back to S.H.I.E.L.D. and Natasha.

“Are you okay, Clint?” Lexie asked as they neared the restaurant. He’d never exactly been the life and soul of the party but he was never normally this quiet either and, knowing her as he did, she knew she’d be wondering if she’d said or done something to upset him. He wasn’t quite sure how to explain what was going on without scaring her away.

“Yeah,” he replied, turning to look at her and letting a smile curl his lips, “just lost in memories, it’s been so long since I was here.”

“Every time we stop here I think about you,” she smiled at him, “I can only imagine how hard this is for you.”

“So much has happened to me since I left the carnival, it’s been quite a ride and, if I’m honest, I don’t think about the past much. Getting caught up on things like that can mess with your head and cause problems not only for me but for colleagues. Still, when I saw the road sign announcing where I was I think my heart just about stopped.”

“So it wasn’t a plan then?” She asked, “to come here and face the past?”

“Not at all,” he laughed, “I was actually in the process of running away from something,” the words were out of his mouth before he’d really thought about them. He wasn’t sure why he was being so honest with Lexie, he’d let her in without actually thinking about it too hard. “I was wandering around aimlessly and just found myself here. Then I ran into you and figured it was meant to be,” he smiled at her, but avoided looking her in the eye, worried he would see his own feelings of shame at having run away reflected back at him. 

He pulled up to the restaurant and tipped the valet well as he handed over his keys. He was busying himself with anything else to avoid the questions he knew Lexie must have, but as they were seated she caught his eyes and he was taken aback by what he saw there. There no questions, no accusations of abandoning the people who needed him, or fear of him over the things he’d done, there was just the unconditional offer of understanding and friendship.

He breathed a sigh of relief and remembered why he’d loved Lexie so much in the first place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

They chatted easily as they perused the menu, but Lexie was lost as she looked at the mass of foreign dishes available; she recognised the words for chicken and beef but other than that she had no idea what she was looking at and was a little worried about what they were going to end up eating. But she needn’t have been concerned as Clint ordered in fluent French, after first being a gentleman and checking it was okay to order for her. She couldn’t help but be impressed; that wasn’t something he’d been able to do the last time they’d seen each other.

“Where did you learn that?” She asked, curious about what he’d been doing with himself.

“From a friend,” he said vaguely. then expanded when she just looked at him and didn’t reply, “a friend taught me some basics before I had to go there for work and I picked up the rest there.”

“You get to travel for work?” She asked, intrigued by his life. One of her biggest fears about leaving the carnival was not finding a job and being able to support herself without that life. But if Clint could do it, why couldn’t she?

“Yeah, every now and then.” 

She couldn’t help but feel he was still being vague and she wondered what and why he was holding back. 

“What about you Lexie, what have you been up to since we last met?”

“Same old,” she smiled at him, “you remember Carnival life, and it never really changes!”

“Same shit, different city?” He asked.

“Something like that, I’m more interested in how you’re doing, what you’ve been up to.”

“Nothing much,” he replied quietly, “I bounced around for a while after I left the carnival, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to another one after everything that happened. I ended up getting a dogsbody job for a local congressman.” 

Lexie was good at reading people, it was part of the job description, and she knew that behind the smile was an internal war. He was holding something back, something just wasn’t quite ringing true, but she could also tell he felt bad about it. The way his smile wasn’t quite as wide as when he mentioned the friend; or the way his eyes shifted to look around the room when he started talking just gave her a glimpse of the fact that this wasn’t all there was to tell. He wasn’t fidgeting and his voice was very even, but his eyes gave away what was going on inside.

“I ran around getting coffee and dry cleaning and random stuff for about a year while they were campaigning and when they took office I got to move up. It was very much a learn on the job situation, but I’m good at reading people so I got on well and now I work for the State Department.”

“Wow,” Lexie replied, a little startled that someone could go from their world to government service, it wasn’t only unheard of, she was pretty sure it would never, under normal circumstances, be able to happen. Part of their world was a hatred of the government and the bureaucracy that surrounded it. She’d heard that the state department was used as a cover for the CIA and assumed that was what he was really doing.

“Yeah it’s a little nuts, I know,” he smiled at her, “but it’s really boring, a desk job, mostly 9-5, nothing like the carnival - always moving, getting to see so many different places”

“Do you miss it?” She asked, “I mean you still get to travel, right?”

“At times, I guess,” he conceded, “however, I have an apartment and a car and don’t have to be in a different city every other week. I do miss my friends, you guys were like a family to me,” he finished with a sad smile. “But what about you?” He was obviously trying to change the subject, “have you never thought about settling down?”

“Its kinda hard to do when you don’t sit still for very long,” she replied, suddenly getting very interested in the starter that had just arrived, not really wanting to talk about what she’d been thinking lately, because she didn’t want to admit the reason she’d never married was that she’d never loved anyone but him.

“Well, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want, you know?” He was looking at her intently and she knew he was trying to read her. Knowing he wasn’t being entirely honest with her she wasn’t sure what or how much she should tell him.

“It’s all I’ve ever known,” she said quietly. 

“Me too,” he shrugged, “but you’d be surprised the skills you’ve learned over the years and how much use you could put them to.”

“I’ve kinda thought about getting out, almost made the decision but it’s scary and I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” She sighed; the idea was just so daunting. “How did you do it?”

She giggled as she watched him struggle not to spit out or choke on the water he’d just drank. She was more curious than ever.

“Sorry,” he smiled as he recovered quickly, “it just wasn’t the most straight-forward road to where I am now.”

“You realise you can’t say that and not tell me more right?”

“I can’t go into a lot of details,” his smile faltered. 

She knew he was struggling with the idea of not being able to be honest and she guessed that wasn’t a good asset for someone in his line of work.

“It’s okay, Clint, tell me what you can and what you are comfortable with,” she reached for his hand, “you can trust me.”

“I know, Lexie,” he looked at her sadly, “there are just so many things in my life I can’t share with you and it feels unfair.”

“I knew you were holding something back, Clint, but it’s okay, no judgement here.”

“I’ve missed you so much you have no idea,” he gave her a tired smile as he talked, “I can’t tell you about my life, but maybe I can help you with yours, you sound like you want to leave the carnival life?”

“I’ve been thinking about it,” she admitted “I just wouldn’t know where to start and what would I do with myself, how would I make money, would I have any friends, would I have anywhere to live, how would I manage it, I mean it’s so hard, so many things to……”

“Hold on, hold on,” he interrupted with a chuckle, “take it one thing at a time. So let’s start with a place to live, do you have any savings?”

“A little, not enough to buy a house.”

“You don’t need a house, you don’t even need to buy, you can rent a flat. It’s just about finding the right place and using your savings wisely.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start,” she replied quietly, with tears in her eyes. The idea of having a ‘normal’ life was so appealing and sitting here with someone who had gotten out and knowing it was possible just made it seem so doable, like it was within touching distance but it was still just out of reach. “Clint, I couldn’t do this on my own.”

“Maybe I should set up a support group,” he laughed again, looking much more relaxed than he had all evening, “how to start over when you leave a carnival.”

“I’d be up for that.” She smiled lovingly at him. “You know, if I can figure out how to do it myself.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out.”

They talked for hours as the waiters brought dish after dish of beautiful food. Lexie was wowed each time something new appeared and wondered how Clint could order so perfectly for her when they hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in about fifteen years.

By the end of the meal they had a plan in place. They were going to meet the following day to go check out local housing listings, figuring it was best to jump now while she had the courage instead of waiting until they moved to another town. Once they had the pricings they would know how far her savings would stretch and how long she had to find a job. 

For the first time in a long time, Lexie actually felt like getting out and having a ‘normal’ life was a viable option and something she could actually touch instead of a dream that was a million light years away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Lexie sighed to herself as she closed up the shop for the day. It had been six months since she’d made the leap, left the carnival and she’d never looked back. Clint had helped so much, signing on to guarantee her rent on the beautiful one bedroom apartment they found. It was in a nice area, quiet enough to be peaceful but close enough to the town centre so there was always plenty to do.

With Clint’s encouragement and reference she had gotten a job in a little shop that sold unique gifts and jewellery. Her carnival skills were indispensable, not only could she make jewellery and other knick knacks they could sell, her gift for reading people and talking anyone into buying something was unparalleled; she very quickly became very trusted in the little shop.

She loved her new life. Getting used to the little differences in life were the hardest things she had to do. Cooking in a proper kitchen and not living off take-away or quick and easy ready meals. Using a washing machine in her apartment instead of washing things by hand; the first time she tried she dyed her white top pink! The luxury of having a bath rather than a tiny little shower was amazing. 

She had friends at work and she’d made friends in her building who had introduced her to more people and suddenly her network grew; her fears of being lonely were not realised. Every fear she’d had before making the leap had been unfounded, it had been like a fairy tale.

And if she was the fairy-tale princess, then Clint was her prince. 

He’d stayed in town for about a month, helping her get set up in the apartment and settled in the job. He slept on her sofa for the first few days until she just attacked him one night. She had always been in love with him and he had gotten more handsome the older he’d gotten. She was so attracted to him that she felt her stomach do backflips every time he smiled at her. When he would do something as simple as touch her hand it was like a spark that lit up her entire body. She wanted him and was tired of waiting for him to take the hints she was dropping, so she took the initiative. After that he stopped sleeping on the sofa.

He’d been there every step of the way to make sure she was okay and answered every question and calmed every fear she had, but she could tell the longer he was standing still the more agitated he got. He still hadn’t talked about what had happened or what he was running away from, even when she’d asked if work would be waiting for him to return. He managed to evade her questions and she had to remind herself that he was a pro at deflection if he did the job she thought he did. So she let it go and just enjoyed him being there as long as he could be.

After a month, he left. He told her he was going and said it was to give her some space to show herself she could do this on her own and didn’t need him but he would be back. She tried to encourage him to get a cell phone but he just laughed that he hated them, you didn’t know who was listening - and she once again assumed he was a spy and didn’t get one either.

He stayed away for about six weeks and she was just getting used to her routine without him when he suddenly dropped in at the shop. No warning, no letter or email, he just showed up, smiled and took her to dinner and had no hesitation on taking her to bed. She didn’t know what he did on his six week trip, but whatever it was; he was like a new man. He stayed for a while then left again and that became part of her life.

She didn’t rely on him, didn’t expect anything from him but for the past six months she enjoyed when he came to visit and knew that she wouldn’t ever date anyone else. He was all she needed, even if it was only every now and then. She guessed that was the price she paid for being in love with a spy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clint knew he cared about Lexie and felt like a teenager with a crush again as he helped get her set up in the apartment. He was wary about co-signing the lease with her as it would give S.H.I.E.L.D. a way to track him, but they already knew about her and his past, so he figured it was an acceptable risk. 

But, as her life fell into a routine of work and friends and home, the more obsolete he felt. Although he was teaching her the skills she needed to live in the world outside the carnival, it wasn’t a world he generally lived in. His friends were S.H.I.E.L.D. agents; his downtime was spent with a Russian spy, half the time sparring with her, keeping their skills up, he didn’t do actually do normal. In fact he almost laughed at the idea that he only knew how to be normal from undercover missions he’d had to do.

The longer he was there with nothing to do, the more the past plagued him. He started questioning not only what he did when he was possessed by Loki but if he really did have a choice. Doctor Selvig had built in a failsafe to the device, he knew what he was doing, was it conceivable that Clint should have been able to know what he was doing, have some control over his action and if so did he somehow secretly want to take down S.H.I.E.L.D.? The thoughts weighed on him as much as they had done when he first walked away. He thought being away would fix the nagging issues, but they were just getting worse because he really had nothing to do.

So after about a month he packed the car, explained to Lexie he had to go for a while, but assured her she’d be fine and he’d be back, and he left. He went back to the woods, hiking and camping and killing his dinner, feeling peaceful and at one with nature, until he started to miss her.

Six weeks away and he was back, but he only lasted two weeks before he disappeared again, this time with a phone call instead of a real goodbye. He was gone for a month and back, but stayed a few weeks and left again. 

This routine became his life and it suited him just fine.

No life or death situation. No saving the world. No damned genius billionaires who thought they were too good for S.H.I.E.L.D.. No Russian spy’s complicating his life by sleeping with him one day and knocking him out in a sparring session the next. His life was not exactly normal and boring, but it was quiet and he was content. He had his time with Lexie whom he was sure he was in love with and he had his time away; the chance to be the hunter and killer he’d been trained to be, even if he was only hunting deer for dinner. Life was as calm as he thought it could possibly be.

Lexie seemed content with the status quo; at the very least, she’d never told him otherwise. She went to work and had her friends and didn’t exactly drop everything when he showed up but she slotted him into her world with relative ease. He enjoyed watching her flourish in the new environment and was glad she was happier than when they’d first reconnected six months ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Lex?” Clint shouted as he opened the door to her apartment. He was back after another of his little wanders and couldn’t wait to see her, but the house was quiet. “Anyone home?” he called out again as he threw his keys on the kitchen counter.

Clint checked his watch and wondered where she was, she was usually back by now, but he also knew she’d developed a few friendships and had a bit of a social life since leaving the carnival so he wasn’t worried. If anything he envied the companionship she had; he never really had a chance to develop that naturally with people who weren’t either assassins or spies or other people working for an agency like S.H.I.E.L.D..

He looked out the window as he began to wonder about grabbing some dinner when he noticed the black SUV parked across the road. He was sure he was being paranoid but he just couldn’t see a car like that being owned by someone in this neighbourhood. He didn’t have time to think long as Lexie came rushing down the street, looking slightly harried as she headed for the apartment.

“OH MY GOD!” She screamed as she opened the front door and saw Clint standing there with a grin on his face, “don’t do that to me again, okay?!” She said, rather breathlessly.

“Do what?” He asked, puzzled by her reaction. This wasn’t the first time she’d come home to find him waiting for her.

“Scare me like that,” she swatted his arm as she passed to hang up her jacket. 

Clint could tell she was trying to be calm but something had her rattled. She was breathing heavily like she’d been running and her hands were shaking as she struggled with the buttons on her jacket.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, the calm and collected agent taking over as he tried to gather intel and figure out what was going on.

“Nothing,” she laughed at him, “you just scared me and it’s freezing outside, that’s all.”

She didn’t meet his eyes as she answered, another sure sign that she wasn’t alright, and Clint was torn between the agent who should push her for answers and the friend who should let her live her own life and know she could come to him when she needed him.

“Now, I have nothing in for dinner,” she said checking out the fridge while he stood and stared at her, “so do you want to order in or head out for some dinner?” She asked, head still buried in the fridge, still avoiding his gaze. “I say we stay in, it’s getting really cold out there.”

“Whatever you want to do is fine with me,” he answered a little coolly and went back to the window to inspect the SUV again. For the first time in six months he really wished he had S.H.I.E.L.D. resources to figure out who owned that van and what was going on with his friend.

“Chinese, Indian or Thai?” She asked, holding up the menus, “or this new shawarma place opened down the block, I’ve heard great things about that if you want to try it?”

“Chinese is fine,” he replied quietly.

“Fine,” she replied frostily, “do what you want, I’m going for a bath.”

Clint ordered the food and sat wondering why Lexie was so mad at him. He assumed it had something to do with whatever was bugging her but since she was the one with the secret what right did she have to be pissed at him?

They ate dinner in relative silence and she went to bed early, alone. For the first time since they had met up again, he slept on the sofa.

The next day, she got up and left without a word. When he checked the SUV was still there.

‘Maybe I’m imagining things?’ He thought to himself, ‘it is plausible for someone here to own that car and it is cold outside, maybe she was just cold.’ But he knew he was trying to rationalize things. He knew Lexie well and he knew she would not have jumped down his throat the previous evening if everything had been alright. There was something wrong and he knew he had to figure out what it was.

He wandered down to the shop where she worked but, instead of heading inside to say hi and see how things were going, he headed for the building opposite and his favorite perch, on the roof. He sat all day watching the comings and goings of this relatively quiet street in the town that he should have grown up in. But he pushed away the memories and day dreams of the ‘what if’ life he often thought about these days. He had a job to do and he had to focus. 

Clint spent six hours on that roof and it felt almost like old times, but this time the mission was personal. He was just starting to think he was paranoid and it was time to give up when the black SUV pulled up outside the shop. It blocked the entrance and he couldn’t see if anyone got out but even from this distance he could hear the bell as the shop door opened and closed, Lexie’s voice was quiet, but he would know it anywhere. He pulled himself from his perch, slid down the fire escape and was beside the car in a flash.

“Hey, Lexie,” he smiled sweetly at her and kissed her cheek, “who are your friends?” He asked looking intently at the two larger gentlemen standing in front of the SUV. They were tall and muscular with shaved heads and dull brown eyes. They looked remarkably like the muscle from an old mafia movie and Clint had to try hard not to laugh at the obvious stereotype.

“They’re just customers,” Lexie answered quickly, “and they were just leaving.”

“We’ll see you soon,” the first one said, turning to get into the car.

“Yeah,” the other one replied, “we’ll come back real soon,” as he too got into the car and it drove away.

“Alright Lexie, spill!” Clint demanded as he watched the car leave.

“What?” She asked, trying to feign innocence.

“Don’t give me that,” he turned to face her, forcing her to look him in the eye, “you and I learned the same tricks growing up, I know when I’m being lied to and I can read people. I know you are scared so cut the crap and tell me what is going on.”

“Seriously, Clint, you think you can walk in and out of my life time and time again and think that I owe you something?” She yelled at him, “this is my life. Thank you for helping me get set up but I think I’ll be fine on my own from here.”

She turned and entered the shop, slamming the door behind her.

Clint stood and looked at the shop door for what felt like hours, unsure what he should do next. He knew Lexie was in trouble and needed his help but how much could he really help and should he even help when she didn’t want it? He wasn’t that guy anymore; he’d left that life behind. He wasn’t anyone’s white knight; he was more likely to cause problems than fix them. He wondered if Lexie really would be better off without him.

He headed back to her place, packed his stuff, dumped it into his car and hit the road. He just wanted a quiet life and if he couldn’t have that with Lexie then it was time to move on.

He drove for two hours, fighting with himself. Part of him knowing it was the right decision, he didn’t need to get tangled up in the drama filled life of some ex-girlfriend from twenty years ago; he had enough drama of his own. He knew he had to walk away, but somehow, from two hours away he knew he couldn’t do that. No matter how many people he killed when he was possessed by Loki Natasha had never given up on him, always believed she could help him; that she could save him and that he was worth saving. How could he be that man if he walked away from anyone who needed help, whether they wanted it or not?

He pulled into her street in time to see the black SUV screech around the opposite corner. He wasted no time putting his foot down on the gas and following that car. The raced through the streets of the small town, weaving in and out of the traffic but there really wasn’t enough of it on the road to cause Clint any real issues following the car and he quickly realised they were pretty much going round in circles. The driver obviously wasn’t stupid and had realised he was being followed so stayed away from his final destination, hoping to lose his pursuer in the late afternoon traffic. Clint slowed as the SUV rounded a corner, gave it a few seconds before following. He ended up three cars behind the SUV, close enough to see it but far enough away so as to, hopefully, not be spotted.

The SUV slowed down slightly, the driver must have lost sight of him and was finally stopping going in circles, instead heading out to the edge of town and the freight yard near the railway docks. He pulled into a warehouse with Clint looking on unseen from the edge of the lot. He could hear the door slam and the lock put in place even from that distance.

He still had no idea what was actually going on. He had assumed when the car sped away from Lexie’s street that she was probably in it, and undoubtedly against her will, but to know for sure he had to see inside the building.

The yard was quite small for a freight terminal but he figured it was probably large for a town the side of Waverly. The ground was covered in gravel with no real road between the buildings of which there were about six large warehouses and four smaller ones. The SUV had driven into the second of the large barn like buildings and it was surrounded by buildings on three sides. Clint skirted around the edge of the yard checking for guards before heading for a nearby building. Breaking in was easy and he quickly found his way to the roof. His favoured vantage point didn’t let him down.

From here, he spotted the skylight but the problem now was getting from one building to the other without being seen or heard. He decided that jumping wasn’t an option; the corrugated tin roof would not absorb the sound when he landed on the roof and his presence would be detected before he really knew what was going on. Instead he headed back to the car, picked up his bow and S.H.I.E.L.D. designed arrows. He strapped on his quiver, as well as a few hand guns, just in case, grabbed a rope and headed back to the lot.

He made a loop with the rope and, remembering the layout of the other building’s roof, he expertly locked it around an old and hopefully unused chimney and scaled the side of the building with ease. He crept across the roof, so light on his feet that he barely made a noise, before arriving at the skylight.

His worst fear was confirmed when he saw Lexie tied to a chair in the open space below him, another older, white haired man was sitting with his legs crossed in a chair opposite her. The two bulky goons he had run into earlier were flanking the man who was obviously their boss, whilst one held Lexie’s arms and three others stayed close, watching the area for any signs of disturbance.

“Where is it?” The white haired man asked her calmly and politely.

“I told you, I don’t know,” Lexie answered.

“We know you took it, I just want it back and you can go about this little life you have here.”

“I don’t have it, I didn’t take it!” She pleaded.

“Don’t lie to me!” He yelled at her, raising his voice for the first time.

“I’m not, I swear,” she answered, her voice breaking slightly.

“My darling, Alexandra,” he said, calmly once more, “you were the only one who knew about it, you have money you shouldn’t have therefore, you must have taken it or told someone about it and they took it.”

“I didn’t,” she pleaded with him, “you have to believe me, I didn’t take anything.”

Clint didn’t care what she was accused of stealing, whether she did it or not, this was not going to happen. He nocked an arrow in his bow and looked at it for a minute. He’d left S.H.I.E.L.D. because he killed people, people who were his friends, or colleagues at the very least. He had felt empty and lost and didn’t want to be that man anymore, didn’t want to be a killer, even if the people he normally went after deserved everything they had coming to them. He had decided to run away from that life and he felt like he’d found himself again with Lexie. At times, he was the sweet innocent little boy he’d been when he and his brother had first arrived at the carnival. He could forget the sins of his past and just live in the moment. But here he was now, sitting on a roof, bow and arrow in hand, ready to kill again if he had to, to protect someone he loved. He realised in that moment that the boy he had been and the killer he felt he had become had to coexist, they were both a part of who he was and he was. A fighter and a protector; that was his role and always would be.

With that realisation, Clint knew exactly what needed to be done.

He crouched over the skylight, aimed for the goon closest to Lexie and let the arrow fly, hitting him in the leg. The man howled in pain and fell to the ground as his partners turned and started firing directly where Clint’s head had been seconds earlier. As soon as they stopped to reload he took another shot, two down, five to go.

“Find him,” he heard the old man yell, “who tries to come to your rescue?” He then said quietly to Lexie, trying to intimidate her, scare her with a tone that threatened pain if she did not give in to his demands.

“I don’t know,” she answered, voice strong and sure. Clint smiled, he was proud of her for holding her ground and not giving in to this guy.

He watched as two of the remaining four guards left to find him, but he knew they’d struggle to get up to him without a ladder, he wasn’t worried. Intermittent shots were still being fired in his direction but that was nothing he wasn’t used to, hell the last serious fight he’d been in it was aliens firing some weird energy weapons at him, bullets were nothing! He nocked another arrow and counted the shots and timing between them. As soon as he had a beat of the rhythm he turned during the brief two second gap and let another arrow fly, taking out another guard.

He threw the rope still tied to the chimney down through the skylight and let another arrow fly as he slid elegantly to the floor, landing on his feet just feet from where Lexie had been, but in all the commotion the white haired man had grabbed her and was now holding a gun to her head.

“Don’t shoot,” Clint said, a slight note of panic in his voice at the thought of being responsible for another friend’s death, “whatever you want just tell me and we can work something out.”

“You have nothing I want,” he laughed at Clint, “she has the only thing in the world that matters to me and I want it back!”

“I didn’t take it,” she whimpered, the fight she’d shown earlier seemingly leaving her all at once.

“Lady says she didn’t take it,” Clint began, “that should be good enough for you to let her go.”

“She took it,” he sneered at Clint, “you should walk away while you still can.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so,”

The two guards who went to find him and returned took up positions behind their boss, guns in hand, aiming right for Clint’s head.

“Little boy, you are out of your league here,” Serghei said, “you have no idea who or what you are dealing with. You should walk away while you can.”

Lexie looked at Clint, pleading him with a look to walk away, to not get hurt. He’d been running when he found her and he knew it was time to stop running.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Clint said, arming another of his arrows and letting it fly into the wall behind his opponents before ducking behind some hay bales at the side of the warehouse in order to miss the shots aimed his way. He wasn’t quite quick enough but pain was just a reminder that he was still alive and had a job to do.

“You missed,” Serghei laughed at Clint.

“No. I didn’t,” Clint replied, hitting a button on his bow and the arrow he’d lodged in the wall exploded.

He ran from his hiding space, letting arrows fly to the last two bodyguards who were more than a little stunned at this turn of events, before grabbing Lexie and making sure she wasn’t hurt. The force of the blast had knocked her down but Serghei had taken the brunt of it and was howling in pain as a piece of the side of the building was lodged in his leg.

“If you ever come near anyone I care about again, I won’t let you off so easy.” Clint said in a quiet but confident voice.

“Who the hell are you?” Serghei asked, bewildered by this stranger.

“I’m Hawkeye,” was all Clint had to say. The name was known well in the Carnival world and from the shocked look on his opponents face he knew that he too knew of the archer who never missed.

Clint lifted Lexie into his arms, turned and walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Clint asked Lexie, for what felt like the millionth time.

“I’m fine,” she said calmly even though she was still shaking like a leaf, “but how did you find me?” She asked.

“I hated how we left things so I came back in time to see that SUV pulling out of your street.”

“Wow,” she looked more than a little stunned, “I’m not used to having a white knight,” she smiled at him again, “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Did you steal whatever he accused you of?”

“No! I wouldn’t do that.”

“That’s all I need to know.” He finished with a nod as he continued to clean up the cuts and scrapes she’d gotten when the wall exploded.

“Thank you for coming back for me,” she said.

“Professional white knight, at your service,” he laughed and felt more relaxed and at peace than he had done in so long.

“Are you staying a while?” She asked.

“I can’t,” he answered slowly, “I think it’s time for me to get back to my life.”

“Oh,” she replied, “will I ever see you again?”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” he sighed, “my job is pretty dangerous and personal attachments can be targets for people who might hold a grudge against me.”

“Oh,” she said again, “I understand.”

“I’ll try and look in on you when I can but you really should go on with our life without me.”

“But I love you.”

“I love you too Lexie,” he smiled again, “but I think it’s still a teenage love, something we shared a long time ago. I’m comfortable with you, I love being here and I love being with you, it’s so peaceful which is something I don’t have a whole lot of in my life. You reminded me who I am and why I do what I do and I’m so grateful to you for that, but I need to get back to my life and you won’t have one as long as I’m here.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered, staring resolutely at her lap. He could see the tears in her eyes and it broke his heart to see her so upset, but he knew this was best, for both of them.

“It’s for the best, Lexie. You have a good life here, I’ll just mess it up, I’m sorry,” he finished before getting up, kissing her on the cheek and turning to leave.

Walking away from S.H.I.E.L.D. had been so easy, he had been empty, a shell of his former self when he left them behind and he’d thought that he’d never be whole again. But Lexie changed everything. He learned to feel again, to let someone in and he realised that not only was he good at what he did, but going through all Loki had put him through would only break him if he let it. If he didn’t he’d be stronger for it, ready to face the next threat. Whatever that happened to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Right,” Coulson continued, “Natasha, you have protection detail, Steve, you need to follow up on this gang, see if they really have some sort of alien weapon and Dr Banner we’ll need you here to test whatever he comes back with.”

“Anything I can do?” Clint asked from the back of the room.

“Agent Barton,” Agent Coulson said, without a hint of surprise, “you can go with Natasha, it’s a big house and she’ll need help covering it.”

She got up from her seat and walked towards him.

“You can take the roof,” she said, pressing the blueprint to his chest, “it’ll be a bitch to cover it all.”

“Alright then,” Clint replied with a smile as he followed Natasha from the control room. He was happy to be back with his family. “Erm….” He started as they left the room, “didn’t Loki kill him?”

“Didn’t take, I guess,” she replied with a smile, “Now, Barton,” she grinned, “it’s been nearly seven months are you sure you’re up for a mission? Just how soft have you gotten?”

“Why don’t you try and take me down and we’ll find out,” he answered, getting right into her personal space with a cheeky smirk on his face.

“In your dreams, birdman,” she laughed and began to walk away, “in your dreams!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
